Love is Not All You Need
Did you ever realize that The Beatles flagship song, “All you need is love” was written by millionaires? Yes, all you need is love…as long as you have most everything else you need.
Love, actually, is one big fat distraction. A damaging one at that.
Loving is the goal of a relationship, alright. But you will be sorely disappointed if you think it is also the vehicle for arriving at that lofty goal. In fact, it is quite the opposite. ‘Love’ is flat-out misleading.
Let’s take jazz guitar. I love it. When I hear a good jazz guitar solo, I platz. So, given that I’m so lovin’ the music, it makes sense that I can just go out, buy myself a guitar and embody Al De Meola?! I love it so I can play it, right? – Wrong.
Just look at all of the core arenas of our lives that we take most seriously. Our professions for example. We willingly spend years and truck-loads of money investing in our education and training for our careers. We will readily devote time and all of our dogged dedication to the endeavor. We know we have something to learn and we work on acquiring that knowledge so that we will succeed. That’s called being smart, effective and taking our work seriously.
We would think it absurd to rely solely on the loving desire to, say, be a surgeon. And, I would add, surgery ain’t got nothin’ on a good marriage.
So too with that spouse of yours. Sure, you love him. And you think that if you just love him enough, then shazam your relationship will flourish. – Sorry. Careful with that scalpel, dear. Love is trickier surgery than that. Expecting love to lead the way and save the day is a myth that is simply worth slaying.
I see it in my own daily marital woes. The bulk of my marital discord comes from my dashed hopes of being ‘loved’. How desperately I yearn for my husband to ‘love’ me, to compliment me, to dote on me, to be tickled and delighted and moved by me. And most of the time, let’s admit it, he just isn’t. Most of the time he’s just living with me, tolerating our differences, tackling our life challenges in tandem. And that is okay. The expectation for some cinematographic ‘love affair’ simply wrecks the very real and endearing relationship we do have.
I’m sorry, this doesn’t sound romantic.
And, well, that’s the whole point.
It isn’t romantic.
The romantic marriage is more mirage than marriage.
The truth is my husband does not particularly ‘love’ me. Certainly not the way he did on our doting early dates. – But you know what, he invests in me, in us, in our relationship….mightily and consistently. He has educated himself in loving. He deserves diplomas in it. He practices it like a discipline. Daily, in small and large and tremendously dedicated ways. And this IS the love affair of my waking dreams. This is true love.
So tell me, how much have you invested in this most noble occupation of your relationship? Have you educated yourself? Have you paid for practical instruction? Any at all? Have you at least gotten the equivalent of a high school degree in this complex surgery?
I know this isn’t the sexy message you were hoping for. But the end results of slaying ‘love’ can be sexy indeed.
There is a dinosaur of cultural stigma around seeking help & education for our relationships. It is better off extinct. For the sake of your happiness…and your children’s happiness. – Get educated.
It’s as easy as P.I.E. – That is: Practice, Invest and Educate yourself.
Then the love will follow. I promise.
The truth is, the very fact that you are investing your precious time in reading this article is a true act of love.
